Day 12

Kyle 279.4 day -1.0 total -15.2

Jenny 160.2 day -1.0 total -6.8

I was very frustrated this morning to be down only one pound. Normally, that is great. But in light of how I almost killed myself yesterday, I was expecting to lose more after ballooning up 3 lbs. The small loss was as disheartening as the big gain, as odd as that may seem. I am happy for Jenny, though, to have lost a pound. She's close to making up the ground she lost when we celebrated our independence from the protocol.

I can see now how my poor decisions on Sunday are still affecting me. One bad day or big cheat are not isolated incidents. They have repercussions that ripple out for days, affecting not only weight loss, but also attitude, and can domino into more bad decisions.

I've been tired most of the day, not enjoying my usual extra energy, which I guess is just left over from yesterday. But that lack of energy didn't help. It contributed to a poor attitude, and helped lead to me feeling sorry enough for myself that I went off protocol again.

Breakfast, lunch, snacks, everything was spot on. By 5 PM or so, I was getting edgy, cranky. I could feel my empty stomach, which is not the same as actually feeling physical hunger, but for me it was close enough.

We went to my parents' to grill out at around 6, but instead of having things started, they were still at the store. I quickly became agitated and frustrated, complaining to Jenny about the food not being ready, and how hungry I was. I started with a small handful of tortilla chips from the cupboard, then snacked on another, then pinched a bit of shredded cheddar cheese, then another. The helpings were so small that I was justifying it, thinking that since I'm sincerely so hungry, that it won't be an issue. Even worse, my cheating encouraged Jenny to cheat, too, and she had a few chips. Not as much as me, but as we've seen, probably equally detrimental.

And maybe it would not have been an issue, except that once we started eating our on-protocol grilled chicken and asparagus, I started developing this thought of, "I splurged on Sunday, and it tasted good, and I deserved it, so how bad can a little more be? Why can't I feel good today?" So, a few handfuls of chips and cheese grew into several spoonfuls of mac & cheese, and then, through small bites here and there, I added half a chicken breast and a 240 calorie beef met.

It was ALL emotional eating. My BODY did not ask for any of it. But my body will undoubtedly pay the price by adding back the pounds, which is even more damaging to my determination and focus. What was supposed to make me feel better will most likely make me feel worse. How stupid! Did I not learn my lesson when I weighed in yesterday, then carried that sinking feeling around in my gut the whole day? Instead of the weight gain on Monday and small loss today teaching me just how disciplined I need to be, I took the attitude of, "Oh well, might as well enjoy it if I'm going to screw up." That is so juvenile that I am startled by it. I'm taken back by my own immaturity!

I'm assuming that I will not get the results tomorrow that I desire. Even so, Jenny and I both are recommitting to the protocol. We want to feel again how we felt Sunday morning, and then continue that success.